• Whose stress is it anyway when it comes to exams?

    Exam time – whose stress it it anyway and is the stress getting to the parents

    exam stress

    It is that time of the year again when learners are sitting for their mid-year exams. This is a very stressful time. But whose stress is it anyway when it comes to exams.

    Last year when my eldest daughter was in Grade 4 she wrote her first exam in June.  What a stressful experience it was; I suppose more so for the parents than for her or so we think.  And of course it doesn’t make it any easier when your child has this willy-nilly, “I will sit with my books in my own time” attitude. She received a study timetable from her teacher more than a month before the actual exam dates.  There was enough time for her to revise and to be well prepared for the exam. However it was a constant check up on when she was going to sit and study and what she needs to study as she did not see the seriousness in the matter.

    There was no other way; we had to accelerate the pressure.  With many pep talks and not forgetting the threats and blackmails; the famous words “I’ve passed Grade 4 many years ago missy” (standard 2 in my years) – and “doing badly in a study subject just boils down to pure laziness”.  Realising that my mother echoed these same words in my ears by my own mother many years ago. Coupled with many looks that could kill. Needless to say, we managed to get through her first year of exams with the assessment reports showing favourable results.

    But whose stress is it anyway and most importantly whose exam is it? Are we as parents too pushy and do we fear failure? And if we not pushy are we not supporting them enough and setting them up for failure? And should failure occur; are we more disappointed in the result than seeing failure as a positive and allowing them to learn from it.

    As parents, we only want what is best for our children. We want them to succeed in life. But are we trying to project our own expectations on them on how to achieve this success and are we setting the bar too high. I certainly want my child to do well but I also don’t want to put too much pressure on her; making her anxious every time she must write a test or an exam and being afraid to fail.

    So this year we decided to take a different approach to handling this exam stress. Like the saying goes – “you can lead the horse to the water but you can’t make it drink”. We can only motivate and support her in seeing the importance of studying. However it is ultimately up to her to put in the hours.

    No more being dominant and pushy. As young as she might be, she has her own vision for her future and how she wants to achieve her goals. Our child is capable of much more than what we think. We need to allow her the space to figure this out on her own but still be there to support her through this journey. It is not our stress, we are not the ones who will be answering the exam questions on that day so we need to let go.  And believe me, resisting the urge to nag is very difficult but I am controlling myself.

    Stress and constant nagging spills over; making your child more stressed. Resulting in them having a negative attitude towards exams and thus making studying difficult.  Instead we are keeping the lines of communication open to show our support. Allowing her to approach us should she struggle with certain concepts.  Now in Grade 5, there is a slight difference in her attitude towards her academic work. A notch of maturity I should say in her approach to studying for tests and exams.  She follows a study timetable and although still a bit too laid-back for our liking, we learned to trust her and have her own study method.

    This is how we are supporting our daughter during the exam time:

    • The study time table is clearly set out which makes it easy to follow. However teaching her good time management skills was very important so that she can concentrate on all subjects.
    • Ensuring that her study environment is comfortable and free from disturbance.
    • During this time as difficult as it might be, we are turning a blind eye to the messy room. Although her study desk is organised there are books and notes all over the floor.
    • We allowed her to follow her own study method – she is more of a visual learner so there is an array of mind maps and descriptive notes to help her learn and memorise content.
    • We avoid peeping into the room and checking up on her.
    • At this age it is important to allow her sufficient breaks in between – so study for 30 minutes and break for 10. The older she gets the study time will increase.
    • We are discouraging her to watch television during this time; instead she can read, knit, play board games inside or play outside.
    • Ensuring that she follows a balanced diet and therefore a good breakfast, lunch and supper is important.
    • We have printed past exam papers that we downloaded from the internet for her to work through.
    • Testing her on what she’s learnt and giving lots of praise and encouragement helps boost self confidence.
    • We encourage open lines of communication and allowing her to express her fears for the exam.
    • Allowing her to list her strengths and weaknesses and giving her assistance in the subjects she struggles in.
    • We allow her only to sit and study until 19h30 as she needs to be in bed by 20h00 in order to get a good night’s rest. Burning the mid-night oil can be encouraged once she reaches a higher grade and is much older.
    • We are discouraging her from discussing what she learnt with friends the morning of the exam as this can just lead to anxiety. She needs to enter the classroom with a clear and open mind only focusing on the questions in front of her.
    • This can’t be emphasized more – read the questions properly and not to dwell on questions that she does not know as this will take up time. We rather encourage her to go back to the questions that she missed after completing the rest of the questions to avoid running out of time.
    • Making sure that she has enough stationery is important.
    • Rescheduling family outings over weekends.
    • We constantly communicate to her that we are proud of her and her efforts and no matter what the result we know that she worked hard.
    • Lastly we are remaining calm and not allowing this exam period to consume our household.

    Good luck to all learners and parents during this time. And parents remember, show your child extra love and support during this time.  Do not compare your child with other children rather accept their potential. Most importantly; praise efforts rather than outcomes but encourage them to be persistent in order to reach their goals.



    1. September 5, 2017 / 4:20 pm

      So much great advice here. It must be so hard to step back and let her make her own choices, but it’s great that you’ve been able to think of so many ways to support her in the background. I think a good meal and a proper nights’ sleep really make such a huge difference. Thank you for sharing your tips. #blogcrush

      • Noleen Miller
        September 5, 2017 / 6:36 pm

        Currently she is sitting in her room and studying for a test that is being written on Thursday. I can see that handing the responsibility over and trusting her is making a huge difference and it is definitely paying off. We continue to support her. #blogcrush

    2. May 23, 2018 / 3:50 pm

      Brilliant ways to assist, but give them space! Mine is only 18 months, so we’re nowhere near exam age yet, but I’ll keep these in mind for a few years down the road! Thank you so much for sharing your brilliant methods!#ForTheLoveOfBlog

      • Noleen Miller
        May 25, 2018 / 9:02 am

        Thanks, I’m giving her the necessary space – it just gets to me that she is so relaxed about this whole exam period #fortheloveofblog

    3. May 23, 2018 / 10:14 pm

      You sound so wise. It is so difficult knowing whose responsibility or fault all this stuff is. My son did not do as well as I hoped but maybe that means he can take time to think what to do next. My other children are home-educated so may not take exams which is super scary so I guess whatever choices and routes we take it is daunting to be a parent #TwinklyTuesday

      • Noleen Miller
        May 25, 2018 / 9:01 am

        I’m just doing my best and sometimes I kids need a little bit of a push in the right direction. I think it is more stressful on the parents if you know your child does not like to sit with their books and you basically need to do everything to encourage them to study. Next year my other daughter will also start with exams – so it will be double the stress. The trials and tribulations of parenting #TwinklyTuesday

    4. May 24, 2018 / 3:52 pm

      Well done! It’s so hard as you want to encourage them but sometimes you have to take a step back … Good luck!

      • Noleen Miller
        May 25, 2018 / 8:58 am

        I know – trying to be calm during this time but the stress is getting to me more than her as she is so laxy-dazy. Exams are starting next Wednesday so for the next 2 weeks I will be a wreck.

    5. May 24, 2018 / 10:41 pm

      I hear you on the ‘it’s hard not to nag’ – my kid is sitting her final exams and clearly not doing enough work for a good mark. I don’t get it at all! She seems to think she is – but clearly isn’t. Her marks are ok but it’s so competitive that ok with the scaling system means you actully go down, rather than up. Hopeing something clicks in and she buckles down now….#Stayclassymama

      • Noleen Miller
        May 25, 2018 / 8:57 am

        I know why are they so laxy-dazy when it comes to studying. Well my daughter gets good marks but I know she has the potential to do much better. I think as parents, my husband and I stress more than she does #stayclassymama

    6. May 24, 2018 / 10:54 pm

      My child is only 22 months, so we’ve got a few more years before we get to this point. I admire your approach, very insightful and it feels like it will be the approach I will have too when we get to that phase.

      • Noleen Miller
        May 25, 2018 / 8:54 am

        Thank you – it is a very stressful time in our house but we got through it before and with hard work we will all get through it this term again.

    7. May 25, 2018 / 9:16 pm

      This is really useful and things I didn’t really think about so thanks for sharing X #stayclassymama

    8. May 27, 2018 / 11:04 pm

      We have quite some time until we’re at this stage but you’ve shared some really great tips here to help support them. Thanks for sharing and linking up with #twinklytuesday

      • Noleen Miller
        May 30, 2018 / 9:11 am

        Thanks and hoping it gets better by the time your kids reach the exam stage #twinklytuesday

    9. May 27, 2018 / 11:21 pm

      Fab tips here lovely. I hope her exams went well. Thanks for sharing with #fortheloveofBLOG

      • Noleen Miller
        May 30, 2018 / 9:07 am

        She’s starting to write her first paper on Thursday – so keeping fingers crossed all goes well #fortheloveofblog

    10. May 29, 2018 / 6:29 pm

      I think you are doing a great job supporting her through her exams. Also I don’t think we are too pushy but we have to be firm because at the end of the day they are not mature enough to anticipate the impact it can have on their future and we know it only too well. Thank you for sharing with #Stayclassymama

      • Noleen Miller
        May 30, 2018 / 8:58 am

        Thanks and yes you are correct. There are times when they need that little bit of a push in the right direction. I always tell them I finished school many years ago, studied part-time when I was pregnant and it was hard. But if you are determined and have goals that you want to achieve – then working hard towards it is the only way #sayclassymama

    11. May 29, 2018 / 10:06 pm

      I am an exam invigilator and am so sad to see the stress that children are coping with. Some though don’t even make any effort which is even more sad as they are wasting their potential. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

      • Noleen Miller
        May 30, 2018 / 8:56 am

        I think the education system has changed so much from when we were at school. Yes we wrote exams but I don’t think we were under so much pressure. Now kids have such a big load to carry with 3 subjects written in one week (all study subjects). The stress is real but I hear what you are saying some put in effort and other don’t. Therefore it is my role as a parent to see that my child puts in the effort as her future is at stake here #stayclassymama

    Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: