• Parenting challenges: Early Childhood Separation Anxiety

     Parenting Challenges Early Childhood Separation Anxiety

    Dealing with early childhood separation anxiety

    Separation anxiety is often played down as a tantrum. Believe me when I say this – it is not. Separation anxiety is real for children. Throwing a tantrum is just a coping mechanism for kids to deal with this anxiety.

    How do I know this if I’m not a child psychologist?  You see as a child, I experienced separation anxiety. There are some things of my childhood I can remember very clearly and other things I don’t. Separation anxiety stands out like a sore thumb and I remember it very clearly.

    I was about 4 or 5 years old when I went through this stage. As a child I was very attached to my mother and would panic every time I didn’t see her. Terrified that she left me behind or forgot about me caused me to have a meltdown.

    This was to my mother’s annoyance of course. She didn’t put on a happy face and talk to me in a calm voice.  I would get a scolding and sometimes spanking.  My mother felt no guilt when I experienced separation anxiety.  Not forgetting how I would be teased by family members when it happened. Born in the 70’s, parenting was so, so different to now. It was about fitting in with your parent’s lifestyle not the other way around. We had to toughen up. There was no label put on every single problem a child faced or a child psychologist making a diagnosis. You had to get over it and move on.

    This is how my mother coped and dealt with my early childhood separation anxiety.

    Was it the right approach?

    Perhaps it was back then but in today’s life her actions would certainly raise eyebrows, it would be classified as illegal and abusive.

    Separation anxiety is normal and form part of a child’s development.  This is a development stage where your child will be clingy but eventually overcome this and become independent. It can happen at various stages in early childhood.

    So how do you deal with early childhood separation anxiety today.

    Age and dealing with separation anxiety

    6 to 11 months

    At this age babies are more aware of their surroundings and can distinguish who their parents are. They become unhappy and feel uncomfortable when someone that is not familiar to them wants to hold them and will often reach out to mom or dad. When they don’t see those who are familiar to them, they tend to cry. This might become an obstacle especially when a working mom needs to return back to work after maternity leave and baby must stay with the nanny or grandparents.

    Dealing with it at this age

    Introduce and familiarise your baby to caregivers such as grandparents, relatives, friends and the nanny. Leave your baby for short periods time (15 – 20 minutes) alone with the caregivers and to allow them to become familiar. This will allow your baby to adjust to your absence easily. Once you feel comfortable that your baby has settled with the caregiver then you can leave them for longer periods.  Never leave when your baby is sleeping. Don’t just sneak off without saying good bye and don’t make a fuss when saying good bye.  Remember that babies don’t have any concept of time so give them that assurance that you will be back.


    You might not have experienced separation anxiety when your child was a baby but it could peak when your child enters the toddler stage. At this age your child becomes very attached to both or one parent and is aware when you leave them alone. Your toddler will also become aware of his/her environment. Strange and unfamiliar places as well as people could spark separation anxiety. They will become very emotional when you leave them and will often throw a tantrum.

    Dealing with it at this age

    Do not prolong your good byes by hovering around. If you are leaving your child at daycare or by their grandparents; drop off and go and have a short good bye ritual. Be consistent and don’t deviate from this ritual.  At first your toddler will scream and throw a tantrum but will get used to it.  At this age, your toddler is not yet aware of time so tell him/her that you will be back after they had a nap or lunch or that you will fetch him/her when it is going home time. Gain your toddler’s trust and follow through on promises. If your child is at daycare do not pitch up after all the other parents collected their toddlers. It is also good to set up play dates with friends at a park or play area so that your toddler can get use to playing with other children.


    Your child might never before have experienced separation anxiety and all of a sudden it peaks when they start preschool. Remember the new school environment is unfamiliar to your child.  It means new friends, new teacher, new rules and they are taken out of their normal comfort zone.  These are all new stresses that your child will be facing. Your child will cry every morning when you drop him/her off at school or will become anxious on a Sunday evening which is a build up for the Monday.

    Dealing with it at this age

    Give your child the reassurance that all will be ok. Explain to him/her that they will learn new things and have fun at school. Once again do not prolong the good byes and hang around on the school grounds where you are visible to your child. Allow the teacher to step in and just walk away. When it is home time, make sure you are on time to collect your child.  Do not let him/her sit and wait for you whilst all the other children have been collected already.

    Bottom line, you will most probably feel guilty and emotional about leaving your child. However it is important to remain calm and stand your ground. Overcoming separation anxiety might vary from child to child – some might take longer than others. Just remember this too shall pass.




    1. November 29, 2017 / 4:41 pm

      There’s some great tips here! My little one is nearly 7 months and she’s definitely showing signs of separation anxiety. When I leave her in the evening to go and have a bath she cries than stops as soon as she sees me again. #fortheloveofBLOG

      • Noleen Miller
        November 30, 2017 / 12:56 pm

        Ooh yip she’s entering that age where she knows who her mom is and knows you as her primary caregiver. Just be patients and hoping that it will pass soon.#fortheloveofBlog

    2. November 29, 2017 / 8:09 pm

      These are some really good tips, luckily Ben is super chilled and doesnt have any separation anxiety but my little brother (10 years gap) had it really bad and it was horrific for my mum to deal with! #fortheloveofBLOG

    3. December 1, 2017 / 5:05 pm

      Wonderful tips! Mine turns one this coming week and we have finally started to see some of this in the last month. Hoping to implement some of your tips!

    4. The Mummy Bubble
      December 5, 2017 / 12:14 am

      Great tips here. My one year old is really suffering with separation anxiety. It’s so difficult to cope with sometimes when I have my toddler asking for help with things as well. #fortheloveofBLOG

      • Noleen Miller
        December 5, 2017 / 7:42 am

        Thanks for reading my post. Just give it time and soon it will be something of the past.#fortheloveofBLOG

    5. December 5, 2017 / 8:13 am

      I think we forget how scary this can be for little ones ? Some lovely tips for dealing with it, thanks for sharing.

    6. December 7, 2017 / 4:32 pm

      This is really useful! I think my 13 month old has seperation anxiety, every time I put him down he cries and can not cope if I’m not in the room with him. I’m a SAHM so it’s not the end of the world but it’s impossoble to do things because I’m always having to carry him xx#blogcrush

    7. January 20, 2018 / 11:06 am

      My toddler is going through this. This morning she went out with her dad and threw a tantrum when I said bye to her, I mean why should mommy stay home, she’s probably thinking. I walked with them to the gate, just to let the crying stop.

      • Noleen Miller
        January 20, 2018 / 9:00 pm

        Ah so sweet so she cries for mom. When my girls were little and I left they waved but the minute my husband left, they cried. Daddy’s girls.

    8. November 13, 2018 / 10:45 am

      Great post, my husband works away & me three experiences separation anxiety. It’s awful. Xx

    9. November 13, 2018 / 5:40 pm

      I have a three year old and 17 month old twins. One twin couldn’t care less, but the other one is sooooo clingy! We left him in a creche at a hotel for the first time this morning as we’re on holiday and he was fine! My three year old has cried a couple of times at the pre-school drop off recently, and it’s so hard. A quick goodbye is definitely key!

    10. November 16, 2018 / 3:25 pm

      I once made the fatal mistake of caving in and taking her home with me. It took months to reverse that. Thanks for linking up to the #itsok linky.

    11. November 19, 2018 / 3:21 pm

      Great advice, my eldest son suffered badly from separation anxiety and it was heartbreaking for me, but thankfully we did the right things and now he is well attached and loves skipping into school. It is hard as so many people still judge the child as being ‘naughty’ or ‘difficult’ when like you say, this is the only way they now how to draw attention, to show that they are scared xxx

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