Relationships Archives - Miller In The City

Noleen Miller May 24, 2021

The dragonfly visitation

It has been a while since I have been active over here but I can assure you that my absence has been for good reason. Since my mom’s death, I have this immense sense of calm and peace. The grieving process has definitely been different this time around than when my dad passed away. Processing the fact that I lost my mom and accepting the reality has been easier. Which is profoundly strange considering the depth of my connection with my mother. Not that I didn’t have a connection with my father or that I loved him any less; my relationship with my mom became much more intentional after he passed away. View Post

Noleen Miller December 3, 2020

Retract

The glass shatters on the floor – it was an accident. Your partner did that thing that he/she always do and it annoys you once again – it is a habit. Question is; will you react or retract to these and many other scenarios? In many instances our initial response is to snap and vent – I’m talking about experience here. Sometimes it is best to retract and not step into a battlefield. Avoiding the battlefield opens up our mind to lay down the shield, step back, be silent, take a deep breath and focus. Remember not every action requires a reaction. View Post

Noleen Miller September 8, 2020

FAMILY FUN WITH PICTIONARY AIR

The biggest takeway about the lockdown restrictions has definitely been the quality family time. As a family we love playing board games and one such game is Pictionary. Recently we sparked more family fun by discovering a new way of playing the game with Pictionary Air. With the classic version you have to draw quick sketches on a sheet of paper or whiteboard and then guess what it is. No more paper wasting or ink drying as Mattel has taken this classic quick draw game to the next level. The high tech version of Pictionary Air allows you to literally draw in the air with a light pen – which is so much fun. View Post

Noleen Miller August 20, 2020

To a remarkable mother-in-law

Today has been a day of feelings. I felt broken-hearted, fragile, low, angry, overwhelmed and exhausted. I thought I had this grieving thing under control. After all I’ve been through this before. No matter how many times you experience grief; it’s doesn’t get any easier. It’s flippen hard and damn complicated.It’s been 2 weeks since your passing and today has really hit hard. I had my moment, I was alone at home, the weather was pretty miserable. As the rain drops rolled down the window; so were the tears streaming down my cheeks. I had an uncontrollable reaction to what I have lost – a remarkable mother-in-law, a woman of strength and courage. I broke down and cold no longer suppress my feelings – I had to let go. View Post

Noleen Miller July 24, 2020

Snip the puppet strings of external validation

Thinking back to 31 years ago when I was very young and naïve. How I wish I could go back in time and tell that young girl that she is enough, worthy, beautiful and have so much ambition. Having no idea how to snip it; I was once controlled by the puppet strings of external validation.

Ridiculed about my race, my background and my appearances (skinny, tall, flat nose and an array of other names); my self-esteem took a knock from a young age. There is absolutely no truth in the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Those words hurt and it left scars. I never valued myself, thought that I was good enough or beautiful. I was greatly affected by what people said to me or thought of me. It became my truth as I murmured many uncaring words to myself whilst staring in the mirror.

I was shy and quiet – an introvert. At school I became an overachiever forcing myself to succeed, achieve and perfect. I had no personal boundaries and would say yes for everything. I didn’t know that the power of no existed. My self-worth was based on people-pleasing. I relied heavily on the opinions and encouragement of others; seeking validation from my parents, teachers and friends that I am competent, capable and good enough.

In my early 20’s I came out of my shell a little bit but the self-doubt continued. It consumed every aspect of my life. Not only when I transitioned into adulthood but being an undergraduate at university, hanging out with friends, being in a relationship and applying for my first job. I would question everything – am I being responsible, am I intelligent enough, what if I fail, do I fit in, am I liked, what will they think of me when I say no, does he think I am beautiful, why didn’t he call me, is he really interested in me, did I do a good job, do they think I did a good job, what if I mess up?

The inner critic never left me. I lacked self-confidence, compared myself to others and constantly strived for external validation and acceptance. Receiving that validation made me feel secure and gave me a sense of belonging. If I didn’t receive it; my ego would be bruised, leaving me feeling rejected. Causing an even harder blow to my self-esteem.

It was only during Brent and I’s premarital counselling sessions when it came to light. We had to address issues that could affect our relationship negatively. Because ultimately you can’t pour into a marriage, with an empty cup. These sessions helped me to practice self-compassion and self-care. It was a process that I worked hard at every single day. It enabled me to stop being reliant on external validation and to slowly snip the puppet strings that controlled me. Today I control the strings as my values and beliefs matter the most. I don’t have to pretend as I know that I am enough.

So today let me be that voice of reason that says stop trying to measure up. Stop second guessing yourself. You are enough – yes I know it’s a cliché but you are truly enough. Don’t try to change aspects of who you are just to fit in. Don’t showcase yourself to please others. We all strive to put the best version of ourselves out there but remember comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on what you have, your abilities and your achievements.

Yes people will always have opinions about you but don’t let that become your truth. Don’t beat yourself up and tell that inner critic to take a hike. It is ok to fail, not to be liked by everyone, to go through stuff, to get angry, to be crazy and to be loud. Be kind to yourself. Internalize it and take up your space because you are worthy, enough, capable and beautiful. You are in control so snip the puppet strings of external validation that dictates you.